Folks, let me tell you something about me: I'm a big conspiracy guy. YUGE. If you present me with a conspiracy where even a shred of it sounds credible, I'm in*. The moon being a giant hologram, shampoo and conditioner being the exact same thing, the earth is hollow, Finland doesn't exist, Alec Baldwin is a Highlander who was also President Millard Fillmore, trans fat, the list goes on and on. I love them all.
Now as you can probably tell, some of those conspiracies are more viable than others. Sometimes you hear a conspiracy theory and immediately know that it's true because it's so believable, sometimes you hear a conspiracy that you have to be talked into because it's so outrageous. The best conspiracies have reached that delicate balance of outrageousness and believability. This Chuck E Cheese conspiracy? It falls into the former column: it's true because it's so believable.
Of course Chuck E Cheese recycles their pizza. Of course they do. People go to Chuck E Cheese, they don't eat their entire pie, Chuck E Cheese takes the remaining slices and compiles them into a zombie pizza to be redistributed to an unsuspecting public. It couldn't be more obvious. And honestly any Chuck E Cheese patrons that cry fowl on this won't get a half a percent of empathy from me. When you walk into a Chuck E Cheese, the least of your problems is recycled pizza. The most of your problems is touching something that a million bacteria ridden kids have touched and hasn't been wiped down with a Clorox Wipe since the Clinton administration and you walk out of the restaurant with an Oregon Trail disease.
Related: The fact that Chuck E Cheese actually addressed this and refuted it also tells me that it is 100% true. Rule #1 if you're caught in a conspiracy: Don't ever acknowledge the conspiracy. Make it seem like it's so preposterous that you can't even be bothered to issue a statement. Taking it head-on only lends credence to it's validity. Come on Chuck, act like you've been there before.
*It's borderline astounding that I haven't joined a cult yet. Cults and conspiracy theories go hand in hand. If I ever run into a well spoken, charismatic cult leader, I'll be in that cult so fast it would make your head spin. Plus, what's not to like about a cult? Comradery, built in friends, you wear the same thing every day so you don't have to worry about how to dress, it's not bad!
PS: Many years ago, Lindsey and I were down in Milwaukee on Highway 100 and I spotted a Chuck E Cheese. 'You know what would be fun?' I thought to myself. 'We'll pop into a Chuck E Cheese as adults! We can shoot skee ball, play video games, eat pizza, act like kids for a few hours. A little nostalgia date!' Jon, you ignorant slut. Let me tell you something about Chuck E Cheese as an adult: It is the 7th Circle of Hell. And that might be putting it mildly. It it a dirty, germ infested cesspool, with snot-nosed kids screaming at the top of their lungs, touching EVERYTHING, and parents in various states of sanity trying to keep it together. And to top it all off you get recycled pizza and a giant rat walking around. Great!
